Unveiling my Arena

Many go through life with their sub-personalities or parts working together as a tight, cohesive unit, not noticing the subtle shifts in themselves. Others operate with more separation between parts, making the shifts more abrupt with little to no transition.

For me, being real means no longer hiding that my parts have a bit of separation between them, or that it's confusing and challenging work to bring them closer together and find my Self in the mix. It means no longer shoving one part away for one reason or another. It means holding each of them close and honoring their feelings. It means choosing authenticity and acceptance of myself over others' acceptance of me.

No matter the shame or ridicule that may come from others, I'm proud to begin honoring some of my parts that I've gotten to know better this year. Some may think this is crazy or that I am crazy; a part of me also thinks it's crazy; what I think is even more crazy is denying oneself the opportunity to find their people, and their passion, and live without shame. This IS my life whether it seems crazy or not, so I'm learning to lean into it and embrace it with kindness and love. I cannot change what's happened to me in the past, but I can choose how to move forward. As Glennon Doyle says "we can do hard things."

Before I started therapy, I didn't really know who I was, nor did I have a proper diagnosis. I knew different versions of myself, but they each had a mind of their own and didn't seem to fit together. It felt as if things were sporadically getting switched on and off internally, but I wasn't the one controlling the switch. I didn't know how to live fully because there was always too much going on inside my head. I was living from one extreme to the next, trying to make sense of the things that seemed to contradict one another. All the thoughts were like a jumbled mass of strings; learning how to reach in, grab a single strand, and follow it back to the source has been a life-saving skill that I'm so eager to continue growing through Internal Family Systems Therapy.

I live a beautifully chaotic life that gets far too lonely because I've been afraid to show the world the real me. That fear has caused me to recoil and shut others out, especially family.

It's a difficult reality to admit, but again I remember we can do hard things. Moving forward, as I practice authenticity without shame, I'm going to share more of my writing, tidbits from my favorite books, and quotes from my favorite authors. I hope that my vulnerability makes you feel something, and my wish is that you explore that feeling, especially if it makes you feel crazy, stupid, uncomfortable, or any other label you want to slap on it. To me, feeling crazy is tied to raw honesty, and it's the most beautiful thing to set free.

Take it or leave it, the choice is yours. I take no offense if my real is not your cup of tea. I don't need you to understand; I just want to stop hiding, and I ask for kindness in that process.

I am a person living with complex PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) and OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder). Most of my parts feel terrified to step into the light, to willingly be seen by the outside world. They have been hurt. They are scared beyond belief. That's why I choose to hold them close and honor them as I walk this path. Strength comes from bravery. Bravery comes from overcoming fear. Overcoming fear is daring greatly.

Here's to daring greatly and unveiling my arena to the world.

Thank you for visiting my blog, sharing this safe space with me, seeing me, and being in the arena with me. I appreciate you so much.