A Bit About Me
My name is Cristianna; some call me Crispy.
Consciously or not, I've been following crumbs my entire life.
Some are easy to notice along the path, impossible to ignore,
while others are deceptively disguised, tricking the mind into thinking they're a thing to avoid.
I've often feel like I don't belong…like something is wrong with me, what I'm doing, or how I'm doing it. As a teen, I began to self medicate in an attempt to feel better in my own skin and escape the darkness that was always looming. Day after day, veiled by one substance or another, the darkness always returned. There wasn't a thing I could take to evade it or cover it up. Though we can try to mask it, the darkness can't be covered up. Though we can try to outrun it, the darkness will always catch up. We need to see it. To confront it. To speak it's pain.
By the time I turned 18, I chose to stop using, and turned to professionals for help with my mental health struggles. Over the course of a couple years, I saw various doctors and psychiatrists who prescribed medications for depression, anxiety, bi-polar, and ADHD. Their short answers and quick solutions never fully suited me. They never asked me any real questions beyond the surface. They didn't inquire about a history of sexual trauma or abuse. They just tried to suppress each individual symptom with more medication, and I trusted them, which gave fuel to the narrative that there was something wrong with me. But I didn't want to suppress anything. I didn't want to feel numb anymore. I wanted to understand why I was the way I was. I wanted to find the core issue, not take a pill to mask the symptoms. I stopped seeing the doctors, stopped trusting their opinions, and decided to figure it out on my own.
For the next 7 years, I questioned what was wrong with me, all the while losing faith in myself and trust in others. I began to deeply fear the world and everyone in it, as my cycles of depression and other internal switches were becoming more frequent and prolonged. At the start of 2020, I found a therapist, who I still see weekly. I told her of my experiences with sexual abuse as a child and teenager, and other traumas that I'd endured but never spoken about. She began to give me the insight that I knew was out there, and the resources that I needed to heal. I am finally starting to understand that there isn't anything wrong with me, and there never was. I'm having normal reactions to the abnormal things that happened to me. I'm a person living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and coping with trauma related dissociation. I'm learning how to manage the laundry list of symptoms, heal from the compounded traumas, and release myself from guilt and shame in the process.
The crumbs have led me here; and I'm so grateful they've done the same for you. Welcome.
I'm an embroiderer.
I own and operate an apparel decoration business with my wonderful wife.
I LOVE all animals.
Being outside brings me solace.
I'm obsessed with quotes.
Celebrating and honoring myself brings me joy.
Brené Brown & Glennon Doyle are my idols.
I struggle with mental health & wellness.
I feel as if I've been hiding my entire life.
I am trying to find what feels safe.
I find writing to be deeply cathartic.
Sharing my story makes me feel real.
Healing from trauma is the path I now choose to walk.
Helping others feel seen, a little more real, and a little less alone
is my goal in life.
Thank you for visiting my blog,
and sharing this safe space with me.
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