Making the Connection to Rejection

I've gotten really in my head this year about sharing what I write, which I've written about on numerous occasions. One thing I've come to notice about myself is that despite having many positive experiences with being vulnerable and leaning into connection with others, I'm still pretty fearful most of the time.

While camping with my friends a few weeks ago, we sat around the camp fire asking each other questions. My best friend posed the question : what are you afraid of? I immediately clammed up and got quiet. Each of my friends answered one by one, some sharing more than one fear. My best friend looked and me and asked again. I hesitated before saying "I have a lot of answers to that question." I realize that we all do, but when you live in your fears on a daily basis, it can be hard to put into words what exactly you're afraid of. I don't always fully understand the depths of my own fears. While I have irrational fears, being scared of spiders for example, the fears that I thought of in response to her question were fears revolving around people. I'm afraid of people and trusting that they will love me without criticism or rejection or harm.

Reading the difference between fears and phobias, I realized that I have social phobia. I fear situations in which I might be embarrassed or judged. I'm overly self-conscious and afraid of looking or sounding stupid and humiliating myself. This excessive worry about how I'll be perceived by others causes me to avoid certain situations altogether that I would otherwise enjoy. To put this simply around the campfire, I said that my deepest fear is rejection. It sounds so silly because most people are afraid of rejection in some form. I struggle to put this into words that match the panic that I feel in social situations, or even at the possibility of one, because there are so many layers.

The fears are different depending on my relationship with the other person(s), if they are family or a friend or someone I'm getting acquainted with. On the surface, I fear simply showing up knowing that I'm putting myself in a situation where I might be manipulated, criticized, liked, or disliked, depending on how I choose to show up. Beyond that, I fear I'll let others down or disappoint them in some manner. What's important to me will be undervalued or dismissed. I'll be too much or not enough. I won't say or do the right thing. I'll look or sound stupid. I won't be worthy of their time. I won't bring enough value. I'll make things feel awkward. I'll feel othered. Whatever fears arise lead me to believe that I will be rejected and feel dejected.

I try to protect myself from these fears by avoiding many social situations and encounters. These fears and avoidance are present in person, via phone, and through online means like social media and my blog. This is why I don't respond to texts or answer calls. This is why I decline invitations. This is why I don't post all the pictures and videos that I really do want to share on social media. This is why I don't share my writing. This is why I re-read and edit endlessly when able. This is why I sometimes delete things altogether. This is why I avoid confrontation. Fear overrides it all. If I don't give the opportunity for a connection to be made, then I can prevent the sting of rejection, right?

Wrong. By repeatedly isolating myself from others and living in these fears, I'm essentially telling myself that I will be rejected, so it's not even worth the effort. I'm not worth the effort. That's so sad. I am worthy. I am enough. I do bring value. I am deserving of love and connection. So why this deep fear of rejection?

There's an Ernest Hemingway quote that I found a few years ago that sticks with me,

Write hard and clear about what hurts.

I love this quote because it's the reason I return to certain topics time and time again. It pains me to know how disconnected I make myself from others when it's the exact opposite of how I want to show up in life. It pains me to know how fearful I am of people that, rationally, I know I can trust. I will write about how withdrawn and avoidant I am, and how fearful I am, until it no longer hurts.

After four years of therapy, I've started to consider the next phase of healing, which is actually applying what I've learned to real life situations. I'm really good at regulating myself in stressful or triggering situations. I'm good at getting myself through things and analyzing them afterward. What I'm not so good at, is remaining present. When I work up the courage to put myself in a social or vulnerable situation, I find myself spending so much time focusing on how to act and how to engage that I miss out on the actual engaging part. I end up feeling sad and depressed, knowing there were so many missed opportunities for connection. This is why I've been digging and digging to determine why I act this way and where the fears come from.

In analyzing my social patterns and behaviors, and experiences with abuse from childhood through my twenties, I've found many connections back to my dad and my formative years with him. His complete rejection of me during those years still sticks to me like glue, having molded me into an overly fearful and self-conscious person.

My dad passed away four years ago, coincidentally the same month that I began attending weekly therapy. I recently spent some time writing about him, what it was like growing up with him, and how I've always defended him. As all things, I've been fearful to share it, but I feel that doing so will prove to be another stepping stone that allows for further growth and understanding. In the end, I do hope that all the writing and sharing and putting myself out there will teach me to learn to trust again and not be so scared. I hope I will be free from these fears someday. Rejection will happen, but I don't want the fear of it to keep me from living a full life. There's some pretty cool people out there in the world that are worth knowing. I want to know them, and I want to feel like I'm one of them.